Even in the best of relationships, whether between co-parents, divorcing spouses, or adult siblings managing a parent’s estate, conflict is natural. But how we respond to conflict can either escalate tension or open the door to cooperation. In emotionally charged conversations, the words we choose matter. A lot.

That’s why communication tools like the BIFF model (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm) can make all the difference. Originally developed by conflict resolution expert Bill Eddy, the BIFF approach helps people communicate more effectively in high-conflict situations by staying focused, respectful, and solution-oriented.

Whether you’re navigating a difficult divorce, a custody arrangement, or a family disagreement, here are practical BIFF-style phrases you can use to keep the conversation calm, clear, and constructive.

What Is the BIFF Model?

BIFF stands for:

• Brief: Keep your communication short and to the point. Avoid venting or overexplaining.
• Informative: Focus on facts, not feelings or accusations.
• Friendly: Use a neutral or kind tone, even if the other person doesn’t.
• Firm: End with a clear, respectful statement that sets a boundary or concludes the conversation.

This model isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about managing it wisely. Let’s look at how it works in practice.

Phrases That De-escalate and Build Cooperation

1. When Emotions Are Running High

Instead of:
“You’re always overreacting.”
Try:
“I can see this is important to you. Let’s focus on the next step.”
✓ Brief. Friendly. Shifts focus toward resolution.

2. When Someone Sends a Harsh Message

Instead of responding in kind:
Try:
“Thank you for sharing your concerns. Here’s what I can do…”
✓ Informative. Friendly. Avoids emotional escalation.

3. When You Need to Set a Boundary

Instead of:
“I’m done talking about this.”
Try:
“I’ve shared my position on this, and I’m not able to discuss it further right now.”
✓ Firm. Brief. Respectful closure.

4. When You Disagree but Want to Stay Constructive

Instead of:
“That’s completely wrong.”
Try:
“I see it differently. Here’s my understanding…”
✓ Informative. Friendly. Keeps the dialogue open.

5. When Arranging Logistics (e.g., for custody exchanges or meetings)

Instead of:
“You never show up on time.”
Try:
“Let’s agree to meet at 4:00 PM. If something changes, please let me know in advance.”
✓ Brief. Informative. Firm. Sets expectations without blame.

When Calm Conversations Aren’t Enough

Using the BIFF model can significantly reduce conflict, especially in high-stakes family law matters. But some situations need more than clear communication. They need professional support.

If you’ve tried your best to keep conversations respectful and focused, but conflict continues to get in the way of progress, FairWell Mediation can help. Our experienced, neutral mediators create a safe environment where each party can be heard and solutions can be crafted together. Mediation is especially effective for co-parenting plans, divorce agreements, and family disputes involving finances or caregiving.

Practice Makes Peaceful

Conflict doesn’t have to mean combat. With the right communication tools like the BIFF model, you can lower the temperature of a tense conversation and help shift the focus from blame to solutions. And when that’s not quite enough, working with a mediation professional can offer the clarity and collaboration you need to move forward.

Looking for help navigating difficult conversations?
Contact us today to learn how FairWell Mediation can support your next step.